As a consequence of yesterday’s desolate atmosphere I had a rather restless night and a nasty little dream in the morning about a bridal bouquet with our myrtle greens in it. If I would be the least bit superstitious I would be certain that this afternoon either poor Michael or myself will pass away. I don’t think the world would lose much with me anyway. Sometime ago I had a vivid dream of coming home in an open taxi, after cutting open a stratosphere balloon’s wrappings, having the bell ring and who should be there but Death strangely enough in disguise of a big black stocking doll, coming to fetch one of us. Mother came out too and offered to go but I most valiantly stepped in between and said no you stay here Father still needs you and asked two or three times mor if he, Death, was sure it was the will of God that I should go which rather peevishly he affirmed. I believe I had a short delay granted. Or sthing of the sort. All these after affects of previous films like the burning of the Polish Stratosphere Balloon and the other piece in the National Theatre. Still it was such a vivid dream that I had quite a throbbing heart and quite serious difficulties in affirming that I would less valiantly than in the dream still submit. I’m not such a hero it seems after all, though sometimes I think it is natural, as the soul might be strong but the flesh weak. Death is against human nature so the body resists instinctively. – Apparently poor older Hauer knows how serious things are with Michael and is prepared for the thought of losing him, young. But as he thinks, the others know nothing of it, so he tries to be strong. Poor old man, to see the most beloved of his children in such state. They on their own think we know nothing of how serious it was with the boy. It is really most heartrending. Should it  definitely come to such serious results I believe I know where my duty would come in. Poor dear little Michael, just when I began to know him better. – I went to se a French film after having been reassured again as to the state of the boy by Ervin who went to see him. The film was quite interesting as an experience, but the most dull I ever saw or can see from point of view of amusement. Serves me right.

The weather is really quite cold, I nearly froze when coming home from church. All these troubles of the Hauer family seem to get on my nerves. I was most awfully depressed all the morning as a matter of fact if I want to be quite open I really shed some true tears on account of the poor boy. Nearly did so on Friday too when hearing about the whole affair. Can’t understand myself. My nerves are really in a bad condition and am in a very bad need of a holiday. After all I can’t be upset over every friend I have. When I looked over last years most of the same time I’ve been wandering over whom will I be crying about next April. Things do pass and change one must keep ones head and look at everything from the eternal point of view. Still this diary is quite a good idea in a way it will help me to see myself in the light of historic truth (is there an expression like this I wonder). One is apt to be convinced at the time of grief that one never felt anything of the sort, nothing so bad ever happened or one was never covered with such unpierable darkness. Then it is a good experience to look over old papers and to see that one happened to be at same time or other in an even darker hole. And even if not I’m convinced the Lord never sands a burden without the strength with which to bear it.

In the afternoon I meant to go to the cinema but being reassured as to the welfare of our young friend Michael / I asked about it on the ‘phone from older br. who seemed to be ? at my kind investigation apparently he isn’t aware of the fact that I did on every day, except when he nearly died, poor boy. / and it is being rather late after my walk in the cemetery, and thirdly having been asked to come and inspect the future new member of their family, Ernő’s fiancée, I went to Martha’s. The kids were like usually, perhaps a shade better. The young lady quite nice bur her little face quite nondescript I think it is mad of them to do what they intend doing. As Ernő’s marriage is to be annulled and such cases are so very (…..empty space…) to the very last moment they should either break the engagement or wait for the final fact of annullation. They will marry however at the registrars in a fortnight and if the matter comes to an end in about as they count on it in a years time, they’ll be married in church too. The little girl is aware of the fact that she can’t go to confession or Holy Communion in the meantime. She is mad I think to risk such “thing”. I fervently hope whatever may happen to me I’ll be strong enough to resist such temptation. She can’t be very strong in her faith for she has let herself go at other aspects. Madness, all this. Why giving in to legal formalities if one is prepared to submit to one’s instincts. Just cowardice of being in a false light in people’s eyes. They forget that the judgement of humans is a trivial affair compared to the justice of the Lord. Otherwise she seems to be quite a sensible little creature: blonde with blue eyes. As to Erne of course men can’t be relied on in such questions. Anyway one can never be certain in these affairs and if he can do it with good conscience it is his own business after all. Naturally though one can’t very well approve. –

It was quite late when we left. Michael’s window was not dark, when I passed their house in the bus. I’ve been wondering lately if this again isn’t providence just showing me the way. or rather, as I’m such a reluctant creature, pushing me on to it. Whenever I seem to pick out the wrong man something happens, but I do hope poor Michael will be better soon even if it is his brother who is meant for me. I don’t care any longer, whatever happens, I mean let him live as he wishes to as long as he dies. As a matter of fact if I think of it seriously it was our little affair with his elder bro. which was the most promising and without any (….empty space…). But when it came to a serious turn I began to have other ambitions and simply dropped him. I believe I was frightened too. The old coward always gets out of me. So we drifted and later he seemed to dislike me. Our last talk was quite cordial though. As I want to do only what God wants me to in all aspects I’m quite prepared to be a true partner to him if that is meant for me. I’m dreadfully sorry for him poor man I know very well how he feels, quite lost and alone without that so beloved younger bro. of his. What will he do if he should lose him. He certainly needs someone to stand by him. Perhaps this is all to our better nature a chance to develop. To get lose of my though so human, still so vain vanity and for him, I mean Franz to get rid of that indolence of his. Poor man.

Spoke with Marietta on the ‘phone first, then went to see her after gymn. Or rather it should have been after gym. but somehow I lost sense of time and it was too late by the time went to change. So instead of gymn. went to have my hands manicured + to the chiropodist. Then to Marietta. Marietta was already waiting for me at the door. She told me all about his brother’s illness. It was pneumonia after all and the crisis was on Tuesday evening. Apparently he had a too large dose of the injection against it, for at night and in the evening unconscious his heart failed. The Dr was there fortunately and spent the night there what more ‘phoned for another Dr. Poor Michael when he saw the two of the he told Marietta a try to have the last sacraments given to him if the Drs should say he was worse. Somehow they didn’t send for a priest after all. When she told me about this I couldn’t control myself any longer and somehow the tears just fell, being already on the brink of tears when she told me beforehand how very badly the elder brother took it. Apparently when out of the sickroom he had fits of sleeping poor man. I was awfully sorry for him and took back in my mind all the nasty thoughts I ever had of him. As a matter of fact I liked him ages before I got fond of Michael. To come to the point a third Prof. was asked too and the Dr spends every night with him since. He has a nurse too day + night, nuns. The Prof. said that it would take a very long time for him to get completely well, and even when he will feel himself quite alright and strong, he mustn’t leave the bed. So all my beautiful plans or rather only thoughts of plans are apparently off. Unless things are not as bad as the Dr’s in view of his peculiar circumstances state. By the way I seemed to do exactly the right thing by shedding a few convenient tears at the right time they were true however and very ? and very bitter ones, although I did powder my nose at once, for Marietta spoke with approval of the employers doing the same apparently at the right psychological moment too and with disclaim of such who didn’t. In this I can’t be of the same opinion however, for there are people who simply can’t show their feelings, or they are too shy reserved at fine to do so like myself, and do their darned best to control themselves. In which case apparently they might be disapproved of by such who judge by appearances only. – To come to the point again the poor boy seems to be better though still not out of danger. – We had tea afterwards, her Father came too. He seemed to have been ? of how things stood. And when I left I’m sorry to say quite late I met the elder bro’ outside and had a little chat with him. Strangely enough we came to speak of matrimony too rather in-appropriate at the moment. I don’t know how I stand with the man.

Was at the Cong. this morning and hoped to see Marietta. As she wasn’t there had a sort of a tight feeling that something must be wrong. So after various side tracks, going on a wild goose chase after Cica for instance etc. I called at the Hauers only to hear that my M. (?) presumptive was near to dying since Tuesday evening. It seems he continued to get heart weakness also, probably on account of too many and, or, too strong injections. I was quite upset as he seemed to be in much good health and altogether the finest of all my acquaintances. Can’t forget how he looked at me with that nice smile of his last week when we met last. Simply can’t get over it. Dreadful too to have found such a completely satisfactory person from every point of view and to lose him at the same time. Or nearly at the same time. Although, of course, I can’t speak of losing someone who didn’t really belong. But somehow I can’t help thinking he was on the way to. I wonder also what our Lord can mean with it. Wasn’t he meant for me Does this mean that perhaps. Or is it again because when I seemed to get near what I wanted I didn’t seem so keen, but was on the look out for other plans. Must make amends and have it out with myself and the Lord and keep to it under all conditions. Now everything depends on how will he get on, for even if recovering he might not be fit for marriage. Poor boy. I believe he is the most innocent one of all my friends, or rather the only such. I hope all will be well yet.

We didn’t get the car we chose last week after all for it turned out to be more expensive and while we had an argument about it they sold it someone else. On Friday I went to the Dr who was in the class of a gent. of no ….. (sic) to time. He couldn’t get rid of him. We waited on + on. There were two others besides me. In the end I stayed only because I was curios as to how much longer could it last. Of course Lali (nem!) was a trifle nervous by the time it was my turn and I was in a hurry too being on my way to a lecture. So I forgot to ask quite a lot I meant to. He proposed a short ? cure which I found too expensive. It seems there is some little trouble with my back there is a stained muscle. Nothing serious though. – Gymn was quite nice on Saturday. On Sunday Martha + family were here, so my usual programme was a bit upset, which wasn’t exactly to my liking. On Monday I heared that Marietta’s brother is ill so we had a long ‘phone chat. Something with the lungs apparently. They hope it is not pneumonia. Went to see her yesterday and asked about it. I wonder if the poor boy is fit for marriage at all under such circumstances. Went to see our lawyer also. His sister in law was there too. Last week I went to see her off from the station, she went to Vienna and took a little parcel to my aunt there. It was a funny business as we met at the very last minute or rather I saw her then only. I was there ages before. – I went to see Cica too yesterday she is to start driving to day, but I couldn’t go. Went to have some official valuation made for next house as I am to get it, the other quarter at least as a present. I’ve been to the tailor too, he is to make me a little green coat to my skirt. A sports one. – We are rather anxious about the kid Ervin, he gets those fits of not recognizing people it seems. Perhaps it is due to his difficult birth, poor little kid, in which case it may be something serious. I don’t understand Martha though she takes things off hand. That she can’t bring up children efficiently is obvious, but she might think this case has something in common with Nora’s and say so to the Dr is probable too. She is silly enough for that.

Yesterday we had a great trouble again in convincing Father that we really do need a new car and it is a good investment. Kellner, the man from the Opel service had to come out twice. We have been to see Father Omerovich at the Hospital St Frances of Assisi in Hűvösvölgy. It was quite an excursion. We were rather late, but fortunately met a girl who also went there so we didn’t have to ask for information at least. The Pater was awfully nice, we are to see him again next week. I suppose in the end I’ll won’t be able to evade a heart to heart talk with him. He says at least it would do me no end of good. Perhaps he is right. – Today we went for Marietta and the four of us went to find a nice colour for the new car. We found a nice blue one, but the inner fitments were a too light grey so when we came on to a beige brown grey silvery thing we were all enchanted. As I told them at once it looked dirty even when clean so it was a most practical solution for us. Of course it might be put the other way around. The whole affair took us such a long time that it was too late for me to go to the Dr. By the way I went to have myself Xrayed yesterday. I’m afraid I made myself slightly ridiculous as I didn’t like the undressing business the least bit. Anyway this is my real nature, so I don’t care two hoots.  – To return to foremost topic, my brother + Marietta got on quite well. Her brothers, especially Feri were quite elated as they tried to persuade Father to get us a new car, so he thinks we can thank him for it. They were quite nice. I think we wouldn’t be better off than having an attachment with them.

On Sunday Martha + family were here. Little Ervin unwell, so they were some quiter than usually. I quite enjoyed the kids. In the evening the little one gave us quite a fright. He was feverish as he woke up with a start didn’t recognize any of us. Poor kid. He got better later. They went home in a taxi as Ervin went off with his friends in the afternoon for a shooting party. – Yesterday passed in the usual way, cemetery and cinema in the afternoon. Weather beautiful. Today I’ve been to a French lecture on the question of Japan or the Communism in China which was very interesting. I was quite amused to find Répássy there, it was such fun. The young lady whom I usually meet at the Society of Foreign Affaires was there too. I was abominatly late, but it was grand fun altogether.

The whole week passed in a whirl. We had a little disagreement with Mother over the car problem last week, it lasted, the tension thereafter, for some days. Such a nasty time and I really didn’t want it to happen. We had such a lot to do all week, that I didn’t have time for anything private. Even my letters and cards went off in the last moment. As my back still ached or rather was worse I went to see my old old friend Dr ? of my awful days. As a matter of fact I meant to consult him ages ago and phoned to ask for visiting time. Was rather late to arrive with the result that I disturbed him most probably in a sweet tête á tête with some charming young woman. Or rather amused me but must have been slightly disconcerting for him as he apologized. Seems back has to be X rayed, which I would rather have ….. (missing word).

Today I made a grand cleaning in the house as business was as good as settled for the holidays and I was free. Such a good feeling to have the house in order. Seems we are going to have the new car after all, so it was really not worth the trouble to be upset about it. At least for Mother. She doesn’t mind it now, this time it is Father who is against it. Roles change.

What a lot I thought about a problem of congratulating dear exfriend Leon on his birthday or not. Really it is not worth wile making a problem of anything. This week passed, to day also and as I already resolved I made not the slightest move towards doing anything of the sort. It is horrid of me I suppose but little sentences like: try it next Saturday,, it would be a fib to say I loved you I haven’t time keep on repeating in my mind whenever I happen to remember the man, which doesn’t help it to become a conciliatory  frame of mind. But it is not that I bear a grudge against him that I forgot his birthday it is simply I want it to be a clean break, ha can mean nothing to me any longer. I would have done everything and to him if I would have belonged, but I really couldn’t keep on showering on him all thin unwanted sacrifice. So with today this phase in my life is completely closed. –

Strangely enough these two people he and Vin seem to cook up together we had quite a lot of talk about him before the row, now didn’t the row come in the right moment, and as always I still had the feeling somehow somewhere we’ll meet yet after he has gone through a lot of suffering and passed these superficial faulies that dominate him yet and when he found out the real value of things. I deserved to lose him if one can speak of that because I took the wrong view for once and because I was too much of a coward to face things as they seemed to be. None too rosy I admit. And he deserved to lose me on the same account and because the age of his won is too youthful. I mean he hasn’t his values at the right standard. He will have to go through a lot and will have to suffer a great deal and I have an idea that he will left by everyone, completely alone and in the grips of sickness by the time we get together again. Of course may be this is not pressentiment but simply sentimentality. But usually I guess right. I’m sorry for him. I’m not sorry for myself because slowly I’m getting at the bottom of this ever recurring problem of suffering and I’m not afraid. As long as my conscience is clear no one can disturb my life. Or rather no one can spoil my life but myself. So there. –

Have been to the Cong. this afternoon, the Father dealt with questions I’m just thinking + reading about. It is Providence I should say, because same applies to all the sermons or meditations we had with him lately.

Am not quite sure if it was on Monday or Tuesday, but we had an awful row with Mother on a trivial thing. I teared up, so it was my fault, but her hard headedness caused it. I said the car might be changed and she simply stated she won’t have it. Gave no other reason except that it is not her will or sth. of the sort. It quite infuriated me as it doesn’t really has to do with her own person only. Reminded me of all the other things I had to suffer such a lot from like not having my hair cut etc. which meant a lot of teasing etc. for long years. I don’t know if it was for the better or not but exactly on account of those little extravagances have I become what I am rather different I think of other women of my age in outlook, ambitions, principles. If she would have let me develop like other girls I would have become most likely much like those are and what she resents in me. Probably I would have half a dozen kids and a husband somewhere. Why/My latter though I don’t know if my first English visit and getting different ideas + ambitions haven’t a lot to do. No good thinking about it. Otherwise nothing happened except that since that day, the row, I mean, It is armed truce between the two of us, though it seems to be lifting at last. Nothing special all through the week. For two evenings I went to Church, yesterday to gymn (weather is terrible with rain and a gall) and to cinema to night.