The weather is really quite cold, I nearly froze when coming home from church. All these troubles of the Hauer family seem to get on my nerves. I was most awfully depressed all the morning as a matter of fact if I want to be quite open I really shed some true tears on account of the poor boy. Nearly did so on Friday too when hearing about the whole affair. Can’t understand myself. My nerves are really in a bad condition and am in a very bad need of a holiday. After all I can’t be upset over every friend I have. When I looked over last years most of the same time I’ve been wandering over whom will I be crying about next April. Things do pass and change one must keep ones head and look at everything from the eternal point of view. Still this diary is quite a good idea in a way it will help me to see myself in the light of historic truth (is there an expression like this I wonder). One is apt to be convinced at the time of grief that one never felt anything of the sort, nothing so bad ever happened or one was never covered with such unpierable darkness. Then it is a good experience to look over old papers and to see that one happened to be at same time or other in an even darker hole. And even if not I’m convinced the Lord never sands a burden without the strength with which to bear it.

In the afternoon I meant to go to the cinema but being reassured as to the welfare of our young friend Michael / I asked about it on the ‘phone from older br. who seemed to be ? at my kind investigation apparently he isn’t aware of the fact that I did on every day, except when he nearly died, poor boy. / and it is being rather late after my walk in the cemetery, and thirdly having been asked to come and inspect the future new member of their family, Ernő’s fiancée, I went to Martha’s. The kids were like usually, perhaps a shade better. The young lady quite nice bur her little face quite nondescript I think it is mad of them to do what they intend doing. As Ernő’s marriage is to be annulled and such cases are so very (…..empty space…) to the very last moment they should either break the engagement or wait for the final fact of annullation. They will marry however at the registrars in a fortnight and if the matter comes to an end in about as they count on it in a years time, they’ll be married in church too. The little girl is aware of the fact that she can’t go to confession or Holy Communion in the meantime. She is mad I think to risk such “thing”. I fervently hope whatever may happen to me I’ll be strong enough to resist such temptation. She can’t be very strong in her faith for she has let herself go at other aspects. Madness, all this. Why giving in to legal formalities if one is prepared to submit to one’s instincts. Just cowardice of being in a false light in people’s eyes. They forget that the judgement of humans is a trivial affair compared to the justice of the Lord. Otherwise she seems to be quite a sensible little creature: blonde with blue eyes. As to Erne of course men can’t be relied on in such questions. Anyway one can never be certain in these affairs and if he can do it with good conscience it is his own business after all. Naturally though one can’t very well approve. –

It was quite late when we left. Michael’s window was not dark, when I passed their house in the bus. I’ve been wondering lately if this again isn’t providence just showing me the way. or rather, as I’m such a reluctant creature, pushing me on to it. Whenever I seem to pick out the wrong man something happens, but I do hope poor Michael will be better soon even if it is his brother who is meant for me. I don’t care any longer, whatever happens, I mean let him live as he wishes to as long as he dies. As a matter of fact if I think of it seriously it was our little affair with his elder bro. which was the most promising and without any (….empty space…). But when it came to a serious turn I began to have other ambitions and simply dropped him. I believe I was frightened too. The old coward always gets out of me. So we drifted and later he seemed to dislike me. Our last talk was quite cordial though. As I want to do only what God wants me to in all aspects I’m quite prepared to be a true partner to him if that is meant for me. I’m dreadfully sorry for him poor man I know very well how he feels, quite lost and alone without that so beloved younger bro. of his. What will he do if he should lose him. He certainly needs someone to stand by him. Perhaps this is all to our better nature a chance to develop. To get lose of my though so human, still so vain vanity and for him, I mean Franz to get rid of that indolence of his. Poor man.