What a lot I thought about a problem of congratulating dear exfriend Leon on his birthday or not. Really it is not worth wile making a problem of anything. This week passed, to day also and as I already resolved I made not the slightest move towards doing anything of the sort. It is horrid of me I suppose but little sentences like: try it next Saturday,, it would be a fib to say I loved you I haven’t time keep on repeating in my mind whenever I happen to remember the man, which doesn’t help it to become a conciliatory  frame of mind. But it is not that I bear a grudge against him that I forgot his birthday it is simply I want it to be a clean break, ha can mean nothing to me any longer. I would have done everything and to him if I would have belonged, but I really couldn’t keep on showering on him all thin unwanted sacrifice. So with today this phase in my life is completely closed. –

Strangely enough these two people he and Vin seem to cook up together we had quite a lot of talk about him before the row, now didn’t the row come in the right moment, and as always I still had the feeling somehow somewhere we’ll meet yet after he has gone through a lot of suffering and passed these superficial faulies that dominate him yet and when he found out the real value of things. I deserved to lose him if one can speak of that because I took the wrong view for once and because I was too much of a coward to face things as they seemed to be. None too rosy I admit. And he deserved to lose me on the same account and because the age of his won is too youthful. I mean he hasn’t his values at the right standard. He will have to go through a lot and will have to suffer a great deal and I have an idea that he will left by everyone, completely alone and in the grips of sickness by the time we get together again. Of course may be this is not pressentiment but simply sentimentality. But usually I guess right. I’m sorry for him. I’m not sorry for myself because slowly I’m getting at the bottom of this ever recurring problem of suffering and I’m not afraid. As long as my conscience is clear no one can disturb my life. Or rather no one can spoil my life but myself. So there. –

Have been to the Cong. this afternoon, the Father dealt with questions I’m just thinking + reading about. It is Providence I should say, because same applies to all the sermons or meditations we had with him lately.