Was late for gym, we stayed for the second lesson too with Emmy. It was very good, but we must have been working with great zeal. All my body is a great ache.
Was late for gym, we stayed for the second lesson too with Emmy. It was very good, but we must have been working with great zeal. All my body is a great ache.
A mad day again. At noon I decided to ring Vin. up and inquire when am I to pay a visit in case he is put under arrest. The political association he wanted to join, Szálasi’s little party has been … …. and put under the supervision of the police. If Vin. didn’t mean it as a joke it was a silly idea of his. He said he already filled out the entrance form but the people were too late to fetch it. I’m still not sure if he isn’t just pulling my leg. Anyway I told him I can’t think of deserting my friends when they’re in a fix, so he can rely on my solicitous visits if he means to get in closer contact with the well known Marko. We made an appointment for next wednesday as on Sunday he had an Opera performance. – I meant to get tickets to the Kamara for Sunday afternoon and was silly enough to ring up my friend of the unnatural disposition. He was rather brusque in his manner and refused under the pretext of his brother’s parting for Germany on the same day, the exact time of it not being fixed, etc. It was all rather mixed, both of us talking of something else. I got tired of it in the second minute and told him if he wanted anything he should ring me up of which he heartily approved. I’m glad it happened in this way, he couldn’t have been of greater service to me. Now at least I got rid of every feeling for him, if ever any, and can start afresh in the same, towards his person, entirely indifferent disposition I managed to acquire for years. Just an interlude. To show the weakness of feminine nature. – Went to see Martha at her cooking class before the aviation lectures. The party isn’t off, but it developed into a family gathering. – Av. interesting like usually. The strange young woman who was sitting by me some lessons ago was late, I had a good look at her. Not to her credit. She looks washed out artificial and somehow common. Not a very nice and kin opinion of a fellow creature. Bu I certainly wouldn’t like to look like her. – Dr. A. Hille, lecturer on meteorology, was giving a lecture. He is an awfully nice person with a rather ugly face but sympathetic. He is a good lecturer, speaks in the most interesting way, has sort of a fascinating intonation a funny way of lifting the intonation where one should expect it to be lowered, which gives an individual touch to his talking. I like to hear him and am getting quite fond of that funny face of his. – He seems to like darkness however, on his present lecture light was off most of the time under pretext of cin. illustrations, making notes was difficult.
Cemetery. Cinema in the evening. Falu rossza. It was exceptionally good. All the players were excellent, both the tragic and the comic side came out most lifelike. I’m ashamed of my frayed nerves, I shed two tears from my right eye + one from the left. Anyway all the people around me were sniffing. An elderly gentleman on my right blowed his nose in a rather over nonchalant manner. And anyway people are occupied with their own overflowing sentiments to mind those of others.
Wished to make things clear, spoke with my dear abnormal (?) friend on the ‘phone tried to arrange a meeting. He asked me to come to his office, promised to show all the business secrets and private treasures and to behave. Latter I heared with mixed feelings. Is it just irony on his part? Just like my pretending they mean the world to me to men for whom I don’t care two hoots. Of course I told him I’d rather meet him on neutral ground, though I’d very much like to see their place and machines. I said I never do a thing I can’t or don’t tell at home at least afterwards, but I couldn’t tell I was at his place, alone and in the evening. It isn’t really my people I’d care about they wouldn’t mind in the (?) thing, at present there’d be a scandal owing to the tales my dear sister told, but how could I face his people if meeting any by chance. I’m very keen on stealing a look at his place, so I’ll have to manage it somehow someday, but at present I refused it point blank. – Anyway Leo promised to ring me up at the gymn. place, but naturally he didn’t. I suppose he awaited my Sunday’ morning ‘phone, but this time he made a mistake. If he won’t give me an explanation, of course may be he has, no idea what is it about anyway I must expect it to be true. Perhaps I’ll try to see him once more but this is not certain, and it will be the last. If that doesn’t come off I’ll take it for granted and shall let the matter drop. Which doesn’t mean we won’t stay friends, on the contrary, even more so but I on my part will stop making advances. – I had to stay for the second gymn. Enjoyed it.
What a dreadful day. I felt out of sorts the whole day, sort of a presentiment I suppose. Even yesterday’s aviation lecture didn’t keep me cheered up. By the way we received the photo taken of us. Leo rang me up in the morning, I wanted to talk to him from the office. I don’t think we were disconnected. It seemed very much like the other Sunday when he didn’t speak to me. I heard another ‘phone ring on his line and he put down the receiver. I rang him up afterwards to make sure but he told me he would phone me later. I knew he wouldn’t and so it was. In the evening Martha came told me Ann + co wouldn’t come on 27th which gave me a good excuse to withdraw Vincent’s invitation too. – She talked a great deal mostly about sexual questions and related beautifully changed and coloured what I said about Leon. Too silly of me to have ever mentioned a word. I was told upon this that sexually he was not normal, belonged to those unhappy cast of homosexuals. This would explain a while lot of things, but it was a bit of shock anyway, and in a way relief again. At least if I can’t ever have him no one else can either. Besides I might feel free again. Free as a bird. Now what about flying, most stylish. I must take it with a certain reserve though, some people simply can’t understand the cleanness of others, just like the dear prof. told it wasn’t normal of me to obtain from procuring a little sexual experience which he was so ready to give me in practice, offering thus his unusually expensive time + self without charge. And how surprised he was at my to him unexpected, unreasonable unforgivable, etc. refusal. Really, some people can’t appreciate their luck when finding such altruistic spirits. I can’t it seems. – Wrote Vin. that 27th was off.
Seen the performance in the National Theatre (Nők barátja, Dumas). It was exceedingly amusing + well acted. I had a jolly evening. Ervin was waiting for me at the entrance, though it was rather early, so it was good luck that my dear friend + rival didn’t come. I suppose he is still away. Though how can he manage it being so much in demand, is a mystery to me. The solution is, I’m coming to the conclusion, that it is only my coveted company he simply can’t find time for. And I must be grateful for it. How ironical. I don’t care. The weather is lovely, life is exciting, and I’m going for a walk tomorrow. Av. too.
No gymn today. Margareth was ill. After a little talk the two of us Emmy + I went away together till the National Theatre. Wanted to buy a ticket but couldn’t.
Had a card from Leo in the morning. An awful disappointment. He signed it with a false name his Christian name backwards. The hateful creature. Can’t he stand up for what he does. If ever I get the chance of going abroad I’ll send him a card my name taking up the full space. But it’ll be my real name. Now at least we’re quits. It is exactly so distasteful to me as my sending the price of the ticket seemed to him. If he won’t see it in that light I don’t think he is worth caring for. Silly of me to have acknowledged it.
Didn’t get a card from L. so I don’t know if he went on that journey or I was late in ‘phoning him or L’ll write to day.
Went to Martha’s party in the evening. I was most amused. When I arrived all the ladies exactly six of them, were sitting neatly one by the other like swallows on the telegraph wire, they were exactly so black too. They liked my ideas on aviation. Though I’m not sure if they didn’t think me a bit mad. Life would be dull if everyone had too much common sense.
I went to the second lecture on aviation. It seems those on Monday are the serious ones, so I’ll have to give up cutting those. It was all Spanish to me. At least mostly. I was sitting in my old place, they made room for me most obligingly. The two on my left are friends it seems, the one on the right has a friend behind. I like the lessons, will have to make all my Mondays + Thursdays free. I’m starting cutting men in practice.
Rang up Leo this morning as I promised I would. We spoke on Friday afternoon, he started that little misunderstanding of last week all over again. We made a point of spending Sunday afternoon together if he’d be at home. As it was he was waiting for a ‘phone call to ask him to Vienna: Well I phoned in vain my ringing stayed unanswered though I tried again later. Of course I phoned a bit late as it was, if ever I ring him up on Sundays I do it much earlier, but I stayed in bed longer on account of previous late night. – Cemetery (?) and cinema (A mod. Ali baba) in the afternoon. I nearly forgot. I spoke with Vin. on the phone on Saturday. Invited him to Martha’s on last Sunday, told him who would be there (at least I told him about the future mayor or so) he said he didn’t wish to get a post, it seems he took it for that. In the end I told him if he wished to see me in good health in future, he’d have to make advances himself as I’d ring him up only if I’d happen to be ill. He was a bit surprised + sounded as if he wouldn’t understand a thing like that. It came about so: I told him I’d be going to one of the theatres and asked if he wouldn’t join me; he said he didn’t like theatres wouldn’t I rather go to the cinema with him. I said, alright let’s see that new aviatic film together, then he found he wasn’t sure if he’d have an evening free + if wouldn’t I ring him up to ask. Well that was too much for my nerves and so I told him I wouldn’t. Positively not. And not only this time but I’d refrain doing so altogether. And I mean to keep it. The dear person is far too spoilt to suit my taste. He deserves some snubbing and a hearty rebuke and he’ll get it if I get the chance. – In my case I don’t care about him any longer, he doesn’t need me a bit why should I bother. I thought about the whole stuff. I have not much use for him and the only use he is for me is just flattering my vanity, that will have to stop being a prevalent reason. I do hope I’ll get the chance of making him change his mind.
Went to that carnival party after all. Répássy came to fetch me. Some friends of my brother were there too. We had quite a nice time. Came home at 2.30 a.m.