Went to see Vincent at noon. What a failure again. We could hardly talk when he was asked out to a patient who happened to be a girl with a man. Vin. asked me to wait. My patience lasted exactly fifteen minutes. Then I got near explosion + told him I’d go. Couldn’t tell him half of what I meant to not to speak of the invitations which I completely forgot. – Registered for this aviation business. –

Was in an awfully downhearted mood again. I suppose on account of Vin. How silly by now I quite forgot I’ve seen him today. I must remember in future it is just this oversensitiveness of mine which reacts so easily to every impression and the next one will most probably wipe it out completely. So why should I ever be downhearted about anything any time.

This lecture on aviation was rather fun. The people somehow strange though. The big hall where it was held was quite full, but somehow the man all looked a bit common of the driver type. I set in the third row. I really tried to be nice and modest and asked two ladies in the 2^nd row if the place beside them was free. It wasn’t. So I had to be content with the 3^rd row and the company of men. My right hand neighbourgh was surely a chauffeur and he dozed and snored most of the time. The second on the right was quite an intelligent looking one. He remarked I was very good on the photo taken of us at the beginning of the lecture. (Now I didn’t like him on account of this I wonder. Oh feminine vanity!) My left hand neighbourgh was a clapper little man with rosy cheeks and an innocent smile. He’d have liked to start practice right away. The second on the left looked a clerk type again. Quite alright sort of a chap. The first lecturer spoke on the topic of how one becomes an airman. So interesting. He was a sleek young man with a disarming smile.

The second lecturer was an older person but a very jovial and amusing one, who made his lecture on Int. law of aviation as interesting as possible.

I was delighted with my evening, so I suppose I’ll cut those lectures on marriage though I promised Cica to go. I can learn that from books or the kind informations of Vin. which he this morning suggested giving me when I told him about it. I have a good mind to let him do so. I’m sure he’d be more embarrased than I as I can make myself feel quite impersonal in such case if I choose. I’ve already made a doc. feel as if he talked to me about the weather while he tried to impress me and he was much older and more experienced than Vin.

Répássy phoned me while I was out, so I rang him up. He is coming to that party on Saturday, I wrote Miki too. Mrs Kabada (?) was here this afternoon. I was in the office. I told her I wasn’t sure if I’d go.

Today I meant to see Vincent in his Clinic but somehow didn’t feel like going there after general hours. Might seem too obvious. I’ll go tomorrow morning, however, and register for those lectures on aviation at the same time if they won’t laugh me in the Népműv. Office. I think I’ll take it up after all and keep away from all men. Take up aviation in theory, keep away from men – in practice. If I think of it seriously no one really interested me except Leo in those far off youthful + innocent days of my life. Since then I had no one to attract me, except perhaps Mr. Rilly last summer, but he was married + I liked him only because he reminded me of Leo and was so obviously and delightfully mad. Vincent came then (?) the summer and I was most happy about him because he was so unlike the type I liked and besides he proved to me that I was quite normal in this question too. This attraction was a mistake however, because, though I really do like him and am very fond of him, it was founded on the misunderstanding that he was seriously attracted by me and I meant to him exactly what one should in such case. I can’t tell now what remarks of his did I misinterpret and who started the game on the whole. Anyway I lost all my illusions the first time he made love to me in practice. Men who want to marry one don’t try to kiss one. I suppose they stand on the principle of “everything or nothing”. I don’t know if this would hold with everyone for in that case I may have highest hopes with L. Truly “feminine” logic to be irritated by the lack of a thing in one while one is disillusioned by the same in the other. Anyway as I’m not likely to marry either of these “only” persons whom I ever happened to like in that was, and as I’m not likely to spend my time in looking out for other more suitable ones and as time passes and one has to do something with one’s life I’ll look out for something different. These too will keep as particular friends, the more so as we’ll want nothing of eachother so it’ll be a most unselfish affair. The less we see of eachother, however, the better. So I’ll fill out my ‘spare time’ with other interests. They have so much else to occupy them that they’re sure not to intrude. And just as well

– Stayed for two hours of gymn. Does my inferiority complex good to be among such who know less of something than I do. To be admired in other words.

Still awfully happy about that letter of yesterday, but am having misgivings again. He writes he is occupied until 10 every night but didn’t try to make an appointment for Sunday either. If he would be interested he would try to see me more often, speak with me more frequently and altogether would try to be more sure of me. He’ll have a shock yet.

There was an awfully thick fog in the afternoon. I went to the Verbőczy Concert and when got off the bus didn’t know in which direction to go. Had to ask as I wasn’t sure where that bus stop happens to be, most ridiculously I stood in front of the building. Of course I was too numbers late but had a seat kept for me in the 2^nd row behind Feri bácsi. The concert was a success. Heaps of people there. There was a very good violinist and a pianist too. Latter was an awful dear, looking all the time at Feri bá’ asking on this way if he might play one more. The orchestra and the choir were really good too. There was a charming scouts’ number too. I felt quite spoilt being in the company of the most important personage of the place, having all sorts of attentions heaped on me.

Martha tried to persuade me to bring a man to Gyula’s birthday part on the 27^th. I’m not sure so far, but if she is so keen on it I will. I’m sure she wants to show off with my admire. – Meant to refuse but didn’t. We’ll see.

I had an awful morning after an equally awful night. I simply can’t understand how can I be such friends with the one while I’m worried to death about the other. Every ring of the ‘phone wrentched my nerves, I always expected Leo to ‘phone and tell me off. At noon however I received a letter from him with the third post, an awfully kind one, which in spite of a negative answer well founded made me as happy as ever. I feel I am most ridiculous behaving like a kid of eighteen in this venerable age of mine, being such a cynic too otherwise. I had to go in town at the evening on business + thought of going to that medicine lecture I thought of previously if Cica would come but it was too late. I thought of the other one the aviation, too. If I don’t take it up this week, I’ll let it go.

Decided to ring up the Mortally Offended one. He took up the receiver but did not speak to me. I, silly creature rang off only to ring him up, so long as the automation didn’t keep, or rather swallow up my money. Two hard hits for it’s pain. I might have known that this would be the result. At noon Vincent rang me up to ask if I would go to cinema with him. Of course I did. He told me how hurt he was when he received my letter at New Years Eve cin. ticket price included. It is not a bit logical of him after all he started this equality theory with me. This only shows I was wrong with Leo too. How hateful. I sent him a note and made an appointment with him for Monday or Tuesday. I wonder if he’ll come. He would be perfectly right not to. I tried to make my note as effective as possible. But I have some misgivings. I have the awful feeling of only making myself ridiculous tomorrow. Well, I suppose, I deserve it. –

Vincent was a dear like usually, besides I believe he was envious to know what was the matter with me. Anyway he didn’t behave like a stoic at all though again this is not logical of him, for according to his words he is a womanhater. According to his next words again he is nothing of the sort, so I suppose he is an occasional stoic only. I would like to shake him sometimes and he would deserve it. At the end of the film (Orgonavirágzás - Palace) when everyone was most moved he made the cynical remark loud enough for two rows in front and behind to hear, “now she’ll have a stroke” which caused general hilarity. At love scenes too he is awful. With this assumed blareness he reminds me of myself not so long ago. We are much alike in everything else too. Taste and principles + thoughts, sometimes he makes me quite frightens me.

I have an idea that after all he was right and feel simply miserable. Rang up Vincent to ask what he could be doing next day. I simply can’t stand going to the cinema alone and feel wretched all day. Of course he just half made an appointment. When there is trouble one always has to face it alone. Stayed for two hours of gymn. Nothing like a few sommersaults and some hard exercise to keep spirits up.

Went to confession this morning and came home rather late. My whole morning was taken up by the house etc. At noon Dr. K of previous day came, found Nora in a much better state. – My red frock arrived too but I’m not oversatisfied with it. It is too long and doesn’t fit perfectly. – Won’t buy a frock ready made any more.

Can’t keep that hateful person out of my mind. The dull creature will find himself in the right and ’ll take my letter as an offence. Well, let him. I’ll keep him out of my diary in future, so he’ll be kept out of my mind too, perhaps. Why should I trouble myself with that man. He is not worth it and there is so much else to think of. Aviation for instance. If I take it up next week, in theory at least I’ll go through with it and ‘ll arrive to practice one day perhaps. As it not likely that I marry I must have something else. I’ll have to have my heart examined though, fist.

(Ujság, 1938. február 4., vasárnap)

Had a short note from Leo saying he is mortally hurt. I was prepared for something of the sort. Rang him up later, but he was as rude as ever, spoke in very much the same way he did at Xmas time when he wasn’t in the right either. He was more than rude using all the slighting remarks he has a good stock of didn’t let me say a word, not that I wanted to after such an introduction, told me to wait a moment, left me to wait, put down the receiver himself.

After a time I rang him up again and as his line didn’t answer rang up the other number on which a female voice informed me (after telling him I believe) that he would ring me up later on. Of course this was just an excuse if it can be called that. Never again will he have the chance of doing this. I won’t put myself out for such an insult, neither to his insulting words. This is the limit such a trifle, the so called love won’t prevent me from keeping my selfesteem. If he has such a low opinion of me as to be able to behave in such a way I’ll teach him get to think of me otherwise.

I have an awful feeling though that it is in his nature to behave so, this is why he is disliked by many, and it is not my person that draws out this coarse side of him. I had the illusion that our being in love and this sensual part of it not having an outlet makes both of us oversensitive and irritable with each other. For I too said + did things which can’t be explained otherwise. But now I see it isn’t so. He is so much older, well not really so very much, that (?) he might be wiser. And if he isn’t it is in his nature. In this case it can’t be altered,people don’t change much in his age, and it is better to keep away from such a person. I feel deeply sorry, he will be very lonely and alone yet! This pity, however won’t keep me from teaching him a much needed lesson. Today I wrote him a letter telling him present custom of fifty-fifty arrangements when going out. I admit he might have been a bit in the right in our case, but the thing has grown out of that question, it is his brutal manner I won’t stand. If he isn’t even of it, it is only the worse. I don’t think I’ll ever see him again.

I went to a lecture given by Margareth’s husband on an economical topic. It was very good and the place Ker. és Ipar Kamara really imposing. There weren’t many but the so called élite. I saw Dr. Walder (???) too and Berkes the director of his paper out behind me. Our old professor, Dr. Nagy (?) was sitting by the president. Margareth was awfully nervous. – Saw Dr. Kemak (???) beforehand, we had a slight argument over a most private question. It can’t be even called an argument it was a statement rather.

Bought a red frock this morning. Martha and Kids were here. Wrote a letter to Leo yesterday and included price of cinema ticket.

Couldn’t go to gymn classes this evening. Don’t feel well at all.

(Nemzeti Sport, 1928. szeptember 26. 8.)