Today must be called ones of the darkest ones in the history of my (un?)eventful life. Much deserved punishment, revelation of own lack of psychological instinct, proof of right of conservative principles lately slightly neglected, etc. Would like to give myself a good moral kick. Well I deserve…

Last week was nothing exceptional generally, from personal point of view rather a washout. On Monday morning I found out Leon meant to make an appointment previous day. He should have tried harder. Still felt a bit shaky so stayed at home. Leo went to the cinema. He promised to ring me up but…

Was mad enough to ring up Leon. I’m convinced that if I wouldn’t have made this he wouldn’t have had the idea. Was mad enough to meet him. I hate myself for it all and am thoroughly disgusted. This must stop. I have an idea that this was our last meeting under such certain stances. This all has no…

It was pouring yesterday and we didn’t meet with Leon though we thought to do so. When I spoke with him at night however I had to find out that he wasn’t out either. I won’t do such mad things ever for anyone again. Tonight’s meeting was slightly different from what we planned at least he. I rang…

I was at a late mass today but didn’t meet Mrs Farkasvölgyi there. Went to the cemetery early in the afternoon. ? has just looked out of his window when I passed but Magdi was not in yet. Mother + little Ervin came, we left together but I left them on the way as she stopped to talk to a friend. The…

 Things seem to get every more serious. If I would be a man I would have to report at once it seems for military service. I wish I would be a man. Vin’s influence seem to have lasted in such degree, that although I meant to ring up Leon after office hours when he phoned me earlier I didn’t recognize…

Yesterday’s cooking took ages. It was 9.10 when I left. Too awful. Bözsi absent. – Today Vin. phoned me, we made an appointment for the evening. I got rather nervous about the whole thing stage fright I suppose and would have liked to bolt (?) in the end, didn’t want to meet him. So I went to the…

We had an appointment with Leon at the same place as last. He was unusually punctual. It was quite alright. We were sitting at the banks of the river and had a most informal party. Had a little chat over a few moral and religious questions what we didn’t exactly agree. How could we. It is nearly…

This morning Leon rang me up we made an appointment for the evening which I couldn’t keep however as cooking took ages. I rang him up at night and we had an awfully long talk. At noon I spoke with Vin. on the phone, on account of Mother who wasn’t mind seeing him. He is exactly the same, talks for…

Nasty weather today. Had another talk on the phone with Leon last night. This morning he rang me up. In the evening I meant to go to cinema, but talked it over with him. Sheer madness and even more. It must be definitely stopped especially as he thinks that marriage is a great ….. (empty space) In…