Today Rilu (?) ‘phoned that the three of them arrived to Karlsbad alright. It seems only the night journey had such a bad effect on Mother that she was always ill. Here everything alright, Ervin not too late in coming. We had our dinner brought from a restaurant, but it wasn’t very good and no too much either.

Early in the morning Mother went to hear the Mass, then we went to the station. The train was 15 minutes late, they had a good place. I do hope everything will be alright. Ervin went away later so we were alone with Erzsi. She went to see her son in hospital in the afternoon so I was alone for a time. I washed my hair. Now that all that rush is over and the numbness is lifting I start to feel things more intensively. Especially when alone. I remember all sorts of trivial events and all the unkindness I happened to show to her. I suppose this is remorse.

I wrote to Leon thanking (empty space) and included a card telling he might ring me up now. I think his company would do me good now. Now I’ll see if he really is a friend. He at least used to be. As about the other I hope fervently I’ll never sat eyes on him again. To have let me down so in every point of view. He must be the sort who has use for people only when they are lucky and happy and nothing goes wrong with them. He let me down as a Dr, for I’m sure no Dr would have refused to come when being asked even though the person they ask him to should be already dead. He let me down as a friend, no use for him in need. Wouldn’t I have rushed to any friend of mine if asked even in a less important matter. And he would stand leaving us in grief and unhappiness when his help was directly asked for. The man has no heart. He is a coward and an egoist. He must have thought we wanted him to give certificate, but even then, he might have come given advice and a few kind words and refused the cert. with reason. But all he did was a few non-committal words. He didn’t even inquire all this time, now it is a week, since it happened. No ‘phone call from the coward. How ashamed I fell about him. And to have thought of loving a person like that, simply can’t understand myself. It was jus physical attraction. And I deserve this punishment and even more. I can’t complain. As a matter of fact I’m glad I had this chance of revealing his real self. Even as just a human being he has let me down. For even far a stranger I would have done a lot mor if asked to. And anyway he may be in the right everyway but the fact remains that I was in need and he not only refused to help but washed his hands of me. A friend indeed. For me his more dead than as if he would be actually buried. And nothing but good of the dead so in the future he won’t ever be mentioned again.

Dr Farkas was extremely kind, he was in a happy mood too no wonder after a rest, and told Father should go by all means. So I took the passports at once to have the visa taken. We phoned Mr Felzenenfeld too and arranged for them to go all the three on Sunday morning.

After a rush again in the morning and a little argument with Martha on the ‘phone (they weren’t ready when Ervin went to fetch them) we went to the cemetery. No one was there. There was a lovely big (empty space) sent by the Árvá’s, really kind of them. Nora’s body was already changing colour. There was an intense heat, about 35-38 °C. There weren’t many at the burial, but all good friends. To our greatest surprise Father László held the ceremony. Father was quite broken down, everyone was sorry for him. Mr. + Mrs. Felzenfeld were there too former doing his best to console Father. We hardly arrived home when Mr Felzenfeld rang us up to recount of the card he received from Dr. Arany in Karlsbad, in which he said he so (saw) no reason why Father shouldn’t go, not to speak of Mother. So I went to fetch the card and went to Dr. Lengyel with it, but he wasn’t in. He was rang up, however by a female person who opened the door to me and I told him how things were with us. He couldn’t give a direct answer, told me to wait for Dr. Farkas who would be in on the morrow. I was so glad, a change was exactly the thing for any people under the circumstances.

This was a rushed day. First we went to the cemetery, then to ask for a cert. from Dr. K., he had a swollen check and I hated the sight of him then to arrange the burial. We spent our whole morning so with Ervin. I hardly had time to look after my things had to buy quite a lot of black things. At 2 p.m. Nora was taken away, when she was layed in the coffin there was a sense of smile on her face, it was rather lovely. Of course we were all very much moved and sad. Father took things specially to heart which made Mother become very strong. Poor old things. – It was arranged that little Emmy’s grave should be opened and what is left of her exhumated and put together with Nora. It couldn’t have been arranged without the really kind and efficient help of Mr. Árva. He was extremely good to us in those hours, looking for a good grave, doing everything about the exhumation looking after the flowers etc. he was indeed a friend.

August 1st

This morning I rang up Leon partly on business, but somehow the line wasn’t in order he couldn’t hear my voice properly and I didn’t want to shout so I rang off. At about 11.30 Dr. Kerekes phoned that Nora’s condition was so on the decline that is was necessary that we come to see her or if we wished to remove her. We went there with Mother, who is behaving herself really bravely, though she did say some biting things to the nuns there. Strangely enough they resented it though they should know the feelings of people in such circumstances and anyway they should take things weekly. We took Nora home, the Dr wasn’t there. Now comes the greatest disillusionment of my young life. I rang up Vin. frankly with grief for her + my people, not knowing what to do, the Dr. not having given any instructions, and told him my sister was dying and would he come + tell us what to do to make things easier. We didn’t even know if we could give her water or (empty place). I told him we wanted to talk to him on account of my parents too. What he said was that if things were so far better to leave it to the Dr whos hands she was it was not good for another to mix in such things. In such cases they were even in the right of giving notice of it at the Dr’s Association (or what is it’s name). Anyhow I saw at once he wasn’t the man for us, so I told him I was extremely sorry to have bought him into such disagreeable situation. We talked a little after that I don’t know now if he said he was operated on by Dr Farkas or his Father. In former case I daren’t even think seriously of what suspect of him. A thoroughly rotten person of whom the sooner I get rid off the better. Then I rang off abruptly. I believe I couldn’t even look at the man again.

After a lot of phoning I managed to talk with Dr Kerekes. What we did seems to have been more or less right. Later he came to see her, Martha was there too. Poor Nora was breathing heavily. Then I asked Father László to come. He tried to talk to her, but she was unconscious, or he talked to us instead, we needed it badly especially Mother, who still didn’t believe Nora was dying. At 8.30 the Dr rang us up to ask about the condition of Nora, but there was no change. We moved her to another bed. We tried to have supper. At 9 p.m, exactly after I was preying fervently that she might not suffer much now that it was all over and that our parents would be spared the (empty space) of it Mother came and asked me to come and see Nora as she thought se was dead. She departed so easily that it wasn’t even noticed, hear breath stopped. Erzsi was still there, so we moved her to my bed, where she remained until she was taken away. It was all so sudden and unexpected, that our feelings were quite benumbed and we didn’t cry, much. We were all so glad that at least she died at home in her old surroundings and that she could see us for the last time. I believe she knew us, though she couldn’t speak, but there was an infinitely sad look in her eyes. So it was all over. Ervin came in just afterwards he went to the Árva’s, his friends in the cemetery at once, to tell them about it.

Time I wrote last we went to the Hospital with Father three times weekly. Every other day he is better. They took of the bandages yesterday but this morning he had to go to the Dr for he was not well. It seems he isn’t quite fit yet after all as we hoped. He even thought he might go to Karlsbad but now it seems it would be too soon. Dr Hempel was very kind and his flat is quite alright. He was already waiting for us outside after our ‘phone call, though it was early. He is funny but I quite like him. Mother was ill again this week if Vin. would have been here we would have had him but Mother doesn’t want to try a new Dr nor our old one. She is much better now though went to church even. Karlsbad would do her good and she thinks of going alone we try to persuade her to. I wonder if it can be managed. Nora is in a very bad condition. I went to see her every other day and I was quite taken aback by her appearance on Friday. She looks already like dying. I was quite broken down and went to see the Lady Dr who is in the place of Dr Kerekes. She said nothing good, but told me there was an immediate danger. Yesterday she had the last Sacraments. I can’t tell everything to Mother, she is not fit for it. Neither Father. Today we went to fetch little Ervin from B.szemes. We started rather late, partly because Father had to be taken to the Dr, partly because Martha + family were not ready even though we were late.

We had a little argument over the programme too. Eventually we stopped at the place where the Preiers were staying in B.öszöd had a look at the building, bathed with little Martha. The place looks like a hotel, but I’d rather stay somewhere else. Szemes is quite pretty and cosy. The kid was having dinner when we arrived we had to wait. Of course he wanted to come home. He was ill twice and the Drtress had a suspicion of a little ailment which could be cured in a few days if her suspicion proved true. So after much thinking the poor little kid was left there for another fortnight. From there we came straight home. – For the last ten days we spoke with Leon nearly every day on the phone. We planned heaps of meetings but they never came off for different reasons. Mostly it was my fault, never being quite punctual or something the like. I’m wondering about the man. Once on the 22^nd we went to the swimming bath with Marietta. On last Friday, she came to see Father with her Father. I happened to be out, but them on the way.

Father slightly better after our visit to the Hospital. Dr. Hempel still not overinformative. Means to leave everything to the next operation and Father’s previous stay at their place. It seems Karlsbad will be off after all. I wonder. No sign of Leon. Of course I’ll leave it at that. He must make the next move in the next two weeks. If after all that happened (doesn’t latter sound solemn) he will be content so, he will find himself definitely given up and the whole matter dropped. Better so, at least we can remain good friends.

Had to go in town on business, all successfull, I was so glad. Tried on my fur coat too, it looks much nicer this way and had at last my little fur cape seen too. I was just thinking if things go on like this and I can’t have my holiday for long I might just as well have a winter one after Xmas or so. What a good excuse for winter sports. Of course only if Mother + Father will be in good health, all the trouble a thing of the past and they had had their holiday somewhere also. But I like the idea. Only a pity for my summer frocks besides sports outfits would be more expensive. Winter ones, I mean. Had a letter from Auntie + a card from Vin. He is in Switzerland. I’m glad I wrote him on account of his name day /just four words before I had the card. I still like him, though I’m not so sure now if life with him would be enviable but I don’t mind any longer if he wishes to marry me or not. I’m past all caring.

Weather fair at morning later a storm on the way. Father not too well. Has a slight fever but won’t have the Dr called as tomorrow we have to go in. Of course Leon didn’t ring me up though he promised to if we didn’t meet previously. This either means that he was in last night and waited for my call in vain and is hurt in consequence, or he had to start on his journey, or simply was too busy to phone me. Most probably the last. I won’t think about it further, am going to let the whole matter drop. Nothing easier. Tomorrow it is Vin’s name day. I wonder if deserves a kind thought from me. I have no illusions after our last talk. I think it would have been much better never to meet the man. Though our friendship was most educational in a way. So again, that is that.

Father not too well. Mother nervous. Ervin away with Capt. Takács at the Balaton. We went to see the picture I talked of with Martha. It was interesting in a way, but otherwise a week art. All the actresses were ugly and fat. The scientific part of it was alright but not enough. I came to the conclusion that whenever I wish to phone Leon it is simply the sign of an ordinary biological phase. Has nothing to do with spiritual feelings. Under such circumstances reason must control future doings. I suppose it ??? have been only consequent not to phone Leon but I did as I promised. At first the line seemed occupied then my ring wasn’t answered. So I’m at loss to know if someone else was there or he was at home and as I was late like he usually and he went off. It makes no difference however. So reasons take care.