Early in the morning Mother went to hear the Mass, then we went to the station. The train was 15 minutes late, they had a good place. I do hope everything will be alright. Ervin went away later so we were alone with Erzsi. She went to see her son in hospital in the afternoon so I was alone for a time. I washed my hair. Now that all that rush is over and the numbness is lifting I start to feel things more intensively. Especially when alone. I remember all sorts of trivial events and all the unkindness I happened to show to her. I suppose this is remorse.

I wrote to Leon thanking (empty space) and included a card telling he might ring me up now. I think his company would do me good now. Now I’ll see if he really is a friend. He at least used to be. As about the other I hope fervently I’ll never sat eyes on him again. To have let me down so in every point of view. He must be the sort who has use for people only when they are lucky and happy and nothing goes wrong with them. He let me down as a Dr, for I’m sure no Dr would have refused to come when being asked even though the person they ask him to should be already dead. He let me down as a friend, no use for him in need. Wouldn’t I have rushed to any friend of mine if asked even in a less important matter. And he would stand leaving us in grief and unhappiness when his help was directly asked for. The man has no heart. He is a coward and an egoist. He must have thought we wanted him to give certificate, but even then, he might have come given advice and a few kind words and refused the cert. with reason. But all he did was a few non-committal words. He didn’t even inquire all this time, now it is a week, since it happened. No ‘phone call from the coward. How ashamed I fell about him. And to have thought of loving a person like that, simply can’t understand myself. It was jus physical attraction. And I deserve this punishment and even more. I can’t complain. As a matter of fact I’m glad I had this chance of revealing his real self. Even as just a human being he has let me down. For even far a stranger I would have done a lot mor if asked to. And anyway he may be in the right everyway but the fact remains that I was in need and he not only refused to help but washed his hands of me. A friend indeed. For me his more dead than as if he would be actually buried. And nothing but good of the dead so in the future he won’t ever be mentioned again.