At home today. Spoke with Leon several times today. Once (?) he was awfully sweet, the kids, his brother’s children seemed to be at his office. It was quite fun to catch him unaware like this. Promised to tell him about my decision early next morning.

My birthday today. Fancy having reached this venerable age. Leon rung me up early in the morning, wishing me the best in a beautiful long speech, which come to an abrupt end, however, when his brother arrived. Anyway I couldn’t speak properly as the family was about. At noon his flowers arrived. I rang him up later to thank him for them. He told me had two books for me. We spoke about Saturday. Can’t decide. – Cooking as usual. We finished rather late. Didn’t meet Leon, didn’t expect to, anyway.

Today’s gymn a wash out. It was raining hard, met a man on the bus going to the Association for Foreign Affairs. He seemed to know me. If I wouldn’t have known I met him there I might have been thinking as hard as anything without finding out same. We finished earlier than usually. It was pouring when we left.

Went to the National Theatre this evening. Iljin’s Nagy Két Katalin [Két cárnő] was on. Quite good. Especially the scenes at the end. Magdi was in evening dress. I’m afraid I won’t put on with this slightly biting matter about everyone. It was  finished quite early. Spoke with Leon this morning.

What a day. In the morning Leon rang me up, but we couldn’t speak much. ‘Phone calls came, one after the other after that. I made an awful fool of myself early in the afternoon. Someone phoned and gave no name: thinking it was Leon, who, not recognizing my voice previously nearly rang off called ? so. That person just let me talk. Then said he wasn’t the one and rang off leaving me clutching at the receiver. I felt non plussed and as ridiculous as possible. I called Leon at once, but he said it wasn’t him and as he wasn’t alone I think it was true. That is, I know. We talked a little. I called Vin. afterwards, but he wasn’t it either. He seemed a bit tired. Said there was only 15 of them left I’m not sure of the number, and they had an awful lot to do. – Cooking was quite nice, the ? (Kuche?) fine, other dishes too. Had a compliment on my look from Mrs Sommer. Later in the evening I phoned Leon according to appointment. A long talk: I don’t know how will I manage. He wants to celebrate in his own way and I don’t want to hurt him but my principles either. Quite a gross.

I was at a late mass today but didn’t meet Mrs Farkasvölgyi there. Went to the cemetery early in the afternoon. ? has just looked out of his window when I passed but Magdi was not in yet. Mother + little Ervin came, we left together but I left them on the way as she stopped to talk to a friend. The Kid is too good. I waited ages and thought I was mad to. Had a look at all the windows around the cinema. Then when I gave it up and meant to return home there came the dear man happily smiling that he managed to meet me after all. We had a long walk and looked at the shop windows. He wanted to find out what I wished for my birthday, but I really don’t know so in the end I advised a book. Vin’s influence is slowly vanishing. I can’t understand myself, is it just physical attraction with Leon but then what about all these years. Besides I don’t want to hurt either.

 Things seem to get every more serious. If I would be a man I would have to report at once it seems for military service. I wish I would be a man. Vin’s influence seem to have lasted in such degree, that although I meant to ring up Leon after office hours when he phoned me earlier I didn’t recognize his voice and now he was entirely indifferent which he must have felt. Serves him right. He was to meet me after gymn. In the afternoon I rang up Vin. again on account of Mother. Now at last I found out all I wanted to know at least some if not all. He is eight months my junior which isn’t as bad as I thought a year more and he is not paid at the Clinics which means he is is not amongst those who are fall of military service. He takes the affair rather seriously, I wish I were a man. Tried to hear the ?, he promised to let me know if he is to leave and further too. – There was only the three of us at gymn, so it was rather nice. Afterwards I nearly missed Leon for he must have been a minute or so late, because not seeing him about I went on, but later somehow looked back and saw him hurrying after me. Ridiculous but again would have served him right to just miss me like it happened to me. The influence of the other still lasting and his being indifferent I could speak to him about things I usually can’t brace myself up to mentioning. Religious and moral questions. He wants to celebrate my birthday in his own way, which is mad. Slightly. Of course I should be happy and appreciate it that someone thinks It an important enough date. But there is a flow (??) in it. I don’t know how will I manage.

Yesterday’s cooking took ages. It was 9.10 when I left. Too awful. Bözsi absent. – Today Vin. phoned me, we made an appointment for the evening. I got rather nervous about the whole thing stage fright I suppose and would have liked to bolt (?) in the end, didn’t want to meet him. So I went to the Árvá’s to let Magdi have the theatre tickets for Tuesday. She was out but returned before I left. Again she had some fresh news about my brother and of that rather blatant young woman Mrs Farkasvölgyi. I’m afraid I won’t allow such talk in the future, though I think she means well. Besides I don’t believe the quarters of it. Aren’t people nasty. I came home just a few minutes before Vin. He is just the same but slightly thinner. I prefer him robust and careful. Dear boy. All the time he was here, and he stayed quite long, I though how indifferent I became. In spite of it in the end I accompanied him to the bus stop and rather liked his nearness on the dark path in the garden towards the gate. He nearly fell out of the bus when yelling after me + wowing good bye. Strangely enough he doesn’t seem entirely indifferent after all now that that numbness lifted. Soon he’ll have to report for military service if things go on like this and should anything happen to him I would be dreadfully sorry. Finally the result of this meeting is that I have the idea, it would have been wiser not to meet.

There was quite a lot to do all day. I went to the gymn classes in the evening. The place where R. Margit moved to is rather far near my old school. It is rather ? Emmy fell over my neck. I was welcomed most warmly. At last a place where I’m appreciated. I heared all sorts of rumours which make me get anxious about that man, Leon again. So I tried to get him on the ‘phone but in vain. Really too bad. – Mother ill again on Monday. Yesterday I asked Vin. to come and talk it over with her. We made an appointment for Friday as I’m out tomorrow. I told him though that it didn’t matter as it wasn’t I whom he is to have a look at. But then we decided it was better if I was about and made a not(e?) of everything. Weather is lovely again, but cool.

Tried to speak with Leon again this morning but wasn’t answered fortunately. For not much later Father was called by the firm over which we had our latest disagreement. I don’t know any longer who is right, for this time I heared quite another talk. In the afternoon I was out on business. Partly unsuccessful. Emmy Barabás (?) rang me up while I was out and told Father how I was missed at gymn.