Another disagreement with dear Leon. Think of putting an end to all, but never really manage to. Lack of moral courage or the real i.e. great feeling I wonder. – Lecture in the Külügyi Társ., Mr Eöttevényi. Spoke about the North Hungary problem, or rather it’s past + present + future prospects. Met the girl I used to be friendly with, not the sweet little one, but who was married. Had to listen to woes an injustice dame to the Jews and future ones to be inflicted upon them. Really can’t let Leon down under the circumstances.

Nothing special last week. Been to a lecture in the Association of Foreign Affaires. Most interesting. Met an old admirer too amongst them, who proposed to show me the dark side of our town, most appropriately, the slums. – Poor old Miss Jerstandl (?) next door died on Monday, the men, Colonel + son, were away and poor Mrs K (?) managed to behave like a hysterical person, that she is. We didn’t go to the burial, but Father went over to condole. – Had an awful row with Marcsi on business matters, late delivery. She was right so I listened silently, telling some after return, to anxious staff. Gymn an awful bore last time. – S. w. p. not the greatest success, but I say to myself that all beginnings are difficult. Had an appointment with that awful man which didn’t come off. His business meeting took a longer time than supposed to and I didn’t ring up the place naturally. Resolved to take up contacts with friend Vin. – Saw Uz Bence (Nyírő) in the cinema today. Very good indeed. A Transsylvanian film. Rather a good character picture of people there. And there was a sweet bear playing too. Mr. Jávor.

Bought some little things for the kids. Went to the dressmaker too. Gymn not so good as usually, was a bit tired I suppose. Found that one of the girls, Alexa K., was leaving a job as English correspondent at a Factory, which I might get owing to excellent English knowledge. 300 P-s a month. Quite nice. The drawbacks are next employee is not likely to get so much, hours from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m with 30 minutes for lunch and the place is in an out of the way part of the town, on the outskirts of Soroksári – út. Which means that I couldn’t be at our own office at all. Just when there is the season coming. Of course I told Mother – let them all know that “knowledge” especially of foreign languages means something after all. My next move will be that German course on “Der (?)” and doing something to my French and going to Switzerland for a course next year. If possible must get some sort of certificate too. Told Mother girls didn’t marry otherwise now a day except with jobs or help from at home. Besides one might be a widow in bad position, pecuniary, once even after a prosperous marriage and what am I to keep my eight orphaned children then. Anyway even if I’m not very likely to marry such things won’t hurt I mean learning a bit of French. And this is in my six weeks programme too. Must do something with my life after all.

A rather good lecture at the Parliement Museum on the Carpetho-Ruthens. Was not at all keen to go, only went on as a duty to my s.w.p. but found it very interesting. The place too. There were quite many people.

Quite mad of me, but again I thought I would give Leon a chance and let him accompany me home after gymn. So I rang him up in the afternoon. He recognized my voice and put down the receiver. I know we made appoint of doing so if a ring came at the wrong moment, but this time it was the very very limit. Resolved to make an end of the whole affair on my own. No need to tell him about it, he won’t notice it. He has his own life, he is not alone in his troubles which may come, there is his family. I have no play there, he doesn’t need me. And I won’t intrude. So I resolved to wash out that rather dirty little spot of an episode from my “part” by means of six-weeks-plans. Heil Hitler this is your influence. The s.w.p. I mean. These six weeks take me over New Year. Gymn rather nice.

 Was silly enough to ring up my dear exfriend last night quite late and to insist that this was the limit. After my brother brought back Magda’s theatre ticket for tonight I was even more silly to try and give the man one more chance. Asked him if he was free for the night which of course he wasn’t. What more he promised to ring me back after his return from town which naturally didn’t happen. Asked Marietta to come, refused to, asked Vin. too but he was just after or rather at the end of an inflated throat so couldn’t get out at night + good thing he didn’t either, there was an awful fog.  At last I thought why should I ask strangers when I have my family so I asked Martha and she come though somewhat reluctantly. The piece was rather good especially the 3^rd act a good comedy. Enjoyed it. Met the Dvoraks there, they seem to have the same tickets.

Last week was nothing exceptional generally, from personal point of view rather a washout. On Monday morning I found out Leon meant to make an appointment previous day. He should have tried harder. Still felt a bit shaky so stayed at home. Leo went to the cinema. He promised to ring me up but didn’t. On Tuesday again tried to speak with him but he was not alone. Of course he didn’t try to ring me back later. Doesn’t matter. Was at Marietta’s in the evening. Found out she had an inferiority complex on account of neglected education. Seemed to have hurt that very sore feeling on journey of previous day. That can’t be forgiven. Forward with psychology now. Wednesday found me in town at the Ministry of Commerce where say Preier Gyula bá’ in vain. At evening gymn. Before that rang up Leon to ask if he would come to fetch me. Was slightly doubtful asked to ring him up again when coming out. Was mad enough to do so. Wasn’t answered so thinking he was on his way stalked about the streets appointed for half an hour which being thoroughly disgusted resolved to end affair definitely. Having lost :::? coins on account of ‘phoning, having done so a second time too and being answered by his brother, made up my mind to allow myself one ? for a special fund, aim of which at present unknown, every day I don’t try to get in touch with the man, giving two pengős for charity purposes every day I do. Kept it up until today which still leaves two pengős to my credit. On Thursday went to a lecture in the Society of Foreign Affaires. Nothing very special. Went to Cica’s afterwards. Stayed a short time only. On Friday had a most amusing incident. When just going out one of our clients from the country called with a car. Was kind enough to give me a long lift to town at end of which asked if driver wouldn’t get a little kiss at least as a reward. Told him it wasn’t customary with me, at which he remarked it didn’t depend on that. Was slightly tempted to give him a lesson and made him fell silly by doing so. First time I had such an offer in my long experience in other people’s car. Believe not the last. Stay at home in the evening. On Saturday still keep staying (?) in good resolutions do not ring up Leon, neither does he ring me up. What more go home on different way after gymn. Sunday mixed feelings. If it isn’t important for him to get in touch with me I really can’t mean anything to me either. Will made a definite end slowly and irrevocably. Cemetery and cinema with Martha later. Someone rings us up at 4 p.m. makes me think it is Leon but the person doesn’t speak so it might be for my brother. Gives me a ? feeling however to imagine that Leon might want me. All goes well as long as I feel it is all quite indifferent to him. But as soon as I find Leo needs me good resolutions fade. In this case good reason must come to the aid. This all can’t come to anything and I hate this ? about it. It is not in my nature. Either be open and honest about it or nothing. So let it be. – Today rang him up. This is in the plan. He must see that it is not me who does the letting down. I would never forsake a friend. The talk in itself was most unsatisfactory. I did the ringing up so it was his share to do the talking. He seems to feel something is getting wrong. Time he does. I have a grand feeling that I don’t care any longer if he does ring me up or not, if I see him soon or not, if I ever meet him or not. The sore point is I still care if everything goes well with him or not. In latter case I still want to share it. But I suppose this charitable feeling will cease too and I’ll be completely free again. How lovey to be free and not wear the fetters of a feeling for a man who must care so little. Soon it will be all over I hope, and I can start that new life I have been thinking of. Such an adventure. –

He promised to ring me up before 5 p.m. But I’m quite sure he won’t. This however fits in my plan. I don’t think I’ll ring him up again before next Monday morning. And then or before or later but as soon as I get the chance he will be told that in future he must do all the “wooing”. After all until now I did my share and his too and I’m finished. He’ll get as much as he is out for but nothing will be given on my own. Which means that having this rather masculine streak of indolence in these matters he will do nothing, neither will I and so the affair will slowly fade away.

Of course I didn’t ‘phone Leon yesterday though I promised to. After all if he is so curious about my welfare he can take the trouble too. Cemetery in the evening met Magdi when coming out. Heared later news of course. Slightly milder than casually. Now at least I have an idea of idle talk. Naturally my dear friend didn’t phone us he promised but I didn’t expect him to either. I’ll make a complete and definite finish and then there’ll be a clean start. With someone else of course. This business have no possibilities and I’m fed up with it. Went to the cinema. There was an eclipse of the moon. Interesting.

Was mad enough to ring up Leon. I’m convinced that if I wouldn’t have made this he wouldn’t have had the idea. Was mad enough to meet him. I hate myself for it all and am thoroughly disgusted. This must stop. I have an idea that this was our last meeting under such certain stances. This all has no sense whatever. What can he mean. What is his idea. I’ll much rather confluently keep away than to be obliged to keep it all dark. Awful.

Last cooking. Interesting but I feel unwell. They bought a green, gold decorated sort of dish as a parting present. The girls, Klári (?) made a speech enjoying it thoroughly. When at home got rather ill again. Have a temperature also. Not high.