Well I am non-plussed. Had a suspicion since some time not a long one though, that some sort of a female is after my brother. It was her birthday, they said the 34^th, which was held at the foaer (foyer?) a place near Kispest. We went to fetch her at their house. I nearly had a fit when she came. First impression was that this is a middle aged Jewish woman who can’t possibly have any plans with a man as young as my brother. Later found however that she might be so silly. The place we went to was quite a good one. Her Mother + dear innocent little widower brother came there too, a bit later though. Another man came later, who was supposed to bring his fiancée. It was quite alright. I didn’t like the brother.

Late again for gymn. Dressmaker the innocent came of it. Found out that Emma is to have a baby. That is why she takes gymn so easy lately. Noticed since a time that she looks sort of bewildered and helpless. Much younger. Was asked to a party by dear brother for tomorrow.

Went to an English lecture by a Sir Charles Petrie. It was not very interesting, though in the end he made some remarks which were most enlightening. The man reminded me of our dear Her Hittler (sic!) exciter that was. Tall, sleek and dark. Voice good, way of speaking rather nice. People here are not so quick in reacting to English humour, so I don’t know what sort of an impression did the Lecturer have. Met Ewe (?) Chorin there. Was late for the National Theatre. The play, Birds by Aristophane, was most amusing. At the intervals listened (??) sympathy to the woes of Magda Aron (?). She had a lot. My brother waited for us.

Nothing on yesterday. Went to the cemetery + cinema. Awful things happened today. Had to hear quite disgusting things, business, on account of the rival firm. My dear exfriend Leon. Thought it must be his way of revenge so rang him up and told my mind. Like usually, however, he managed to turn the towels and in the end it looked as if he were the offended party. What upset him most was I think when I said he needn’t bother about my Father’s feelings any longer as having told him our friendship was off & up, so they were quite friendly. Spoke with him at night again and we finished by mutual disapproval. He said he’ll call or ring when he will feel like it so I told him all right we’ll meet perhaps in five years time and rang off very quickly. The man is mad.

Still feel excited. Made up my mind about Marietta too though wasn’t sure if people wouldn’t be about to spoil situation. To her I played again the courageous though slightly broken hearted one who meant to do what is right all along (which is true, at least mostly) and so let herself in for trouble. But look at the light in her eyes when the dear brother appeared on the scene. – Things are a bit upside down. Wonder about whom am I to be upset on next Wednesday. Seems have to have a weekly excitement.

What a day. In the morning Leon rang me up and we made an appointment for the evening. Early in the afternoon he rang me up again at least one of the staff in his office did the actual ringing, seems in such cases he is not so shy of phoning, and told me in highly shocked way that he couldn’t come in the evening and that Father made an awfull mass again which he didn’t consider fair, of course it wasn’t to his advantage so it is easy to understand, etc and that he would be doing the same. I couldn’t oblige him by listening properly he even had to wait a few minutes in between, gave him a few minutes to get some breath. Anyway things upset me a little and I resolved to do my best. Which might have been a bit reckless but I didn’t care any longer. So before gymn I went to their place. Had to be content with the company of his brother, who was most polite, might even say kind. Then came the thunderstorm which I let just pour over my innocent head and which rather embarrassed the brother, made Leon more and more excited however. But as I didn’t offer any resistance, tried to sooth frayed nerves instead thing looked slightly calmer later. Of course gymn was off as it was too late. The sophism of the man. And how he can turn about questions. What is good for their firm must be right, he saw no slight lack of morals there. While of things are at disadvantage he flares up. Jewish blood + logic I’m afraid. – Well I went with the resolution of having out private problems too. Some things are better kept dark. Final result is: times, political situation, etc. are not the right for his marrying me at the moment with which I agree, though my private opinion is if people are truly fond of each other there can’t be real obstructions. Still, when we parted it was a final Good bye and I felt quite sorry for myself. Though I found it most illogical and ridiculous too as I went there with the final resolution of arriving to that point. So he is dead for me till next year and than I hope to go abroad so I’ll be dead to all. What a funny sad story. Strange how one can arrive to points if one aims at them. In future I’ll always make up my mind on a certain attitude and will try to attain certain aims with everyone on every occasion I know of previously. This sounds slightly nebulous. But I’ll make up my mind to make a certain impression or come to certain conclusive ends and to put my attitude, talk, etc in service of that. For instance this evening wanted to look the person who is truly fond of party present so tries to make peace, is of noble mind so bears inevitable failure in personal affair with courage though can’t help showing broken heart. (So to say.) I’m afraid I succeeded. So I’ll be an actress in future, life at least of the first water. Beware humanity.

Went to see Margareth this afternoon. The kids are sweet, she is getting on quite well as a mistress of her house. We had quite a talk. If it comes to it things sound quite different when they are talked about than when only thought of. Told her how I’ve been let down and how I mean to let down another. For by the way, I thought things over and came to the conclusion that I must stop this thing with Leon, it has no sense whatever. Besides it is so much easier to let down someone while one still feels the effects of same done to her. Though in latter case it doesn’t fit exactly as we weren’t friends for ages. Besides everyone seems to take it for granted that I didn’t care for him – Vin – I mean. Well, seems I’m making a fool of myself. Anyway, when her husband came home we had quite a little talk on the actual Jewish problem and I’m afraid it sounded like as if I were ready to go to the ends of the world with the man. Rather lacks of logic for I didn’t start in this way. Went home quite late. Glad I was

We meant to meet after gymn with Leon yesterday but it didn’t come off. Been to cinema to day.  Picture quite alright. Been to Marietta last week but intend going on Thursday again it’s being her name day.

Had an awful row at home last week owing to my delicate suggestion of marrying my dear friend Leon. I asked for their opinion on the matter. Heared it. Wasn’t prepared for all I did, though. If the parents wouldn’t have been so upset about it, it would have been quite a comedy. The nicest they told me was that if I intended doing so I may or rather I’d much oblige them by quitting the house at the shortest time possible say half an hour. That would have rather speeded matters. Now, as according to what I read the will of God is usually known through the parents though I suppose only if it is equal to what they wish for themselves, at least most often, this is not what I ought to do. If I come to think of it, this was a bit rush of me as I’m not quite sure if he really wants to take that, especially in our case serious step, so it might be much ado about nothing. At least I know how my people feel about it. Trouble is: various disgraceful etc. talk about his moral + sexual organs then he is a Jew. Well, well. Aren’t girls mad sometimes. Now I must find out what he thinks.

Still can’t get over after effects of shock of previous day. Can’t say I had a sleepless night but certainly found soliloquy at 3 a.m. most uncomfortable. But as I’m alone to blame, and nothing happens by chance, and if it is, and as it is the will of God it must be for the best and it is for the best even though one can’t exactly see it that way, I’ll just pass over it. The pain connected with the events is but a small portion of the punishment (xxxx). Anyway it will pass sooner or later. As I know myself, sooner. And as about people who’ll talk especially when it will be announced well that will pass too. I’ll make it my business to make the most of that also by offering it to God for his happiness. If I’ll feel magnanimous enough at the time. –

To return to our meeting with Leon, it nearly didn’t come off as both of us happened to wander about the short place appointed. Might have thought I’d be no courage would fail me again if it comes to decision or something would happen to prevent it. Again found couldn’t let him down when everything goes wrong with him. Quite curious to know where will this lead to. Mustn’t let myself lose my head. We are certainly fond enough of each other for marriage. If only other differences wouldn’t exist. But if it is the real thing can anything possibly exist to prevent it. And if it is the will if God I’ll do it yet. But how am I to know if it is that.

Today must be called ones of the darkest ones in the history of my (un?)eventful life. Much deserved punishment, revelation of own lack of psychological instinct, proof of right of conservative principles lately slightly neglected, etc. Would like to give myself a good moral kick. Well I deserve what I got and even more. Rang up exfriend Vin. for a little talk and had the shocking news that he is to be engaged at Xmas. In spite of rather hollow feeling at stomach managed, I hope, to sound natural and interested. – The little girl is fair with brown eyes and a sylph. Must be tall and slim. She is very young. Even too young for Vin. being only 19, though I said against own opinion that it was exactly the right age for him. Naturally wished him all the best etc. and told him I would go to see him, some time on account of prosaic chillblains. Can’t think how could I misunderstand him so. To hear my own ideas from him as an echo nearly dumbfounded me. But then how could he know anything about my ideas when I used to speak in much the same way. He must have taken me for exactly as luxury loving, who couldn’t give up any little comfort, etc. But then at least I was grand enough to forgive him for it. Not much of a compensation though. Anyway poor Vin doesn’t count any longer. I am glad he found her when he was free. It would have been awful I’d have been engaged to him. It might have happened even when married. What more I have an awful suspicion that the poor little girl will have the unpleasant experience too, some time in her life, for it is not in Vin’s nature to be perfectly tone and he has a lot of temptation to evade. If the first bloom blows off he'll be the same as ever. Must be glad to be rid of him and yet it hurt awfully. Especially the so sensitive vanity. To have been such a fool. And to have let myself be made such a fool of. Really I deserve this. And if I wouldn’t have let him make love it would be even much easier to bear. As a matter of fact there wouldn’t be much to bear then. So I offer this as a penalty for what shouldn’t have been, to God, and wish him + the little one best luck! Sincerely. But now there is another problem for me. Now that he is no more I mean to hold me back the Leon problem arises in all it’s fulness. Vin might have, so to say, saved me from him. He is the only one I wouldn’t have minded marrying. What now. Is it Providence I wonder and it is my …. (empty space) to be at the side of this man in spite or rather on account of the difficulties that await him. Must come to some sort of a decision. I know they  will be against it at home. Tried to see him tonight but made an appointment for tomorrow instead. – Gymn very good tonight.