Had a lot to do in town today, went to Martha’s also to see the kid who is ill, took him a Teddy Bear which gave him much pleasure. Had to do at the Clinics which gave a good reason for seeing Vin on account of Mother who was ill all night. Didn’t really want to go, but was obliged to at last. Don’t know if later was (?) a success or not. Certainly told him more about my ideas than he had a chance to know all through our friendship. As I expected he has pricks of conscience on my account. Exactly my case. I’m sorry to find still we are so much alike. I’m afraid I gave him a lot to think of. Do hope it is for own good. If it really is the will of God let him have the little girl and be happy with her but I have the apprehension that this is not the case and then it would be a great mistake. Let us leave something to Providence though. I’m asking same of my favourite patron St Jospeh who never let me down. I’m quite sure I can rely on his help now also. – Went to our lawyer too who’s wife quite spoilt my high spirits by saying most disgusting things about how Jews were misused in Vienna and generally here too. Made me think of Leon and I tried to phone him. Luckily in vain. Had a confidential chat with Cica, was most successfully amused by her brother before she arrived.

First condoling phone today on account of Vin. by Cica. She was most surprised. Well, well. Promised to go to see her but went to gymn as missed last weeks too and Saturday’s is off also. Result rather stiff limbs and a good ache above the knees afterwards.

Told my people I would like to go to England as Beatie wrote the operation is to be very serious. Besides I said I would like to go to Switzerland as I needed a holiday very badly not having had one for so long. These and I don’t know what so upset Mother that she had quite sort of a crying fit and wept in the most heartbreaking manour saying she wasn’t modern enough for us, etc. I have a suspicion though that it was just an onset for feeling conscience stricken on account of having said a rather un-flattering thing to me. Anyway, I resolved to be the model daughter in the future, she shouldn’t feel it is partly her fault that things aren’t as they should be with me. Went to the cemetery + cinema afterwards. Cemetery beautiful covered with snow. Altogether winter is so lovely, wish I could see a bit more of it than our garden. – By the way, had a telegram from Lanson (?) which means he isn’t dead as I already thought. Just has another address. Just like the man to forget things then make up for it by speed. Wonder what will he write.

Last night passed well enough, though I did have a queer feeling thinking of Vin’s engagement party. Poor little girl. Wonder what will become of all this tangle. They are of a very good family. Well, time will solve all problems. – An awfully nasty weather for Xmas, pouring rain. We went to the Midnight Mass. – Wouldn’t forget to put down first impressions of the innocent little widower. It wasn’t very flattering. Seemed to be sort of a man who throws money about goal at a party, but not to be taken seriously. Seems to have all sorts of women attached also. Features not my taste, voluptious, statues of middle hight on their strong side. I’m afraid I made the impression of an iceberg. Well I mean to take awfully care of myself in future. So this is a start. – Martha + family here today. We had an awful lot of trouble with the car, it simply wouldn’t start. So they came at noon only. Younger kid had a temperature. Both quite alright otherwise. It is cold and weather turned all at once Chrismassy, there is heaps and heaps of snow and a gale. It is cold.

Really Providence is managing things for me. Always when I’m hurt there comes something to help me over. Kind hand of God may be felt always. I get a good, though much deserved blow from the side, then comes a caring from the other. To day it came in the form of an invitation to theatre from brothers’ flame. Thought there would be only the three of us but they can manage things these people. There were two pairs of tickets in different rows one behind the other and the dear brother was produced too. The show was lacking serious contents but it was a laugh over. Enjoyed myself enormously. The bro. was nice too. Insisted on taking me alone in his car and said a few nice compliments which were a balm on hurt pride though didn’t manage to heal broken heart at the same time. We went for a snack to one of the little buffet places near, sort of a bohemian hole. Altogether it was a nice evening though I nearly didn’t go for mother was unwell in the afternoon and when she heared with whom I was going nearly developed another. I phoned, but the tickets were already there and so I went. Would much like to go abroad for a little holiday would do me no ends of good. Auntie is seriously ill, must be operated on. This would be a good chance for getting away but I’m afraid I can’t make it easier for myself.

An awful rush to day, had an unexpected order which nearly made my visit to the Clinic impossible. Don’t know if it wouldn’t have been better. Anyway I know if I wouldn’t go that day I wouldn’t go at all, so in the end, very late I took a car and rushed there. Now was it worth? No. First of all I had to wait and the dear man must have felt guilty and embarrassed too he left me much alone. Thus I took it far too much to heart instead of laughing over it which would have been more natural + appropriate. We talked a little which wasn’t very satisfactory. Seems I’m to blame for everything so head high. Had a strange feeling at the stomach, nevertheless, and thought with belated regret: did I need this. Have to go through all stages of these feelings. Quite interesting from psychological point of view, but denied rather to be the suffering subject. This heartbreak thing resembles in my case uncommonly to indigestion which sounds so prosaic. But then I’m supposed to be as as morning sunshine or just plain daylight?

Managed to send off all Xmas letters at last. Have already received some from abroad. It was fun. When getting a fat volume from Auntie, took it for a good roman, but it turned out to be a cookery book. Well, the laugh is on me. I nearly had a fit. Have chillblains which gave an opportunity of ringing up Vin. and making an appointment for next day.

Had a long talk with Leon in the morning. Took ‘phone to office which upset a bit Mother. We had a nice long talk. He sounds old and disheartened. Became quite good friends again, but didn’t sound too eager to meet me. As a matter of fact said it couldn’t be before Xmas. I know they are very busy and he must be dead tired by evening, still it is not a compliment. It is much better so, though. Weather turning cold. Went to the cinema.

Tried to speak with Leon today before going to gymn. Our talk had to have an abrupt ending.

Opera night. Went to a performance of Beethoven’s Fidelio. Was afraid to meet Vin. there, but didn’t see, them. The performance very good. Dresses nice. My place good. Had to go home on foot.