Yesterday morning I had to do in town on business. Ran up to Cica’s too which wasn’t exactly business and we bought a sweet little porcelain figure as a wedding present for the Pálffys. Was in the Bank too, not much chance for Swiss money, which means that my plans won’t come off again. In the afternoon went to Magda’s for a fitting and we went to the National Theatre afterwards, our last seasons performance. It was a comedy (Schweikart: Everyone lies) and very humorous. We enjoyed it all along. This morning ran into the Bank on account of my Swiss Frs, but the director was out. I gave my …. however, and hope for the best. I don’t care. Wrote a beautiful letter to Dr Laki(?)’s as we talked over a visit to him with Ervin. It will have to be together with one to Margareth. I wrote her too. Mother was at Prof. Burgers, the man Dr Laki advised to take.

Went to Mass on Friday as it was the day of the Sacred Heart. Get wet when coming out. Met the Father ?, told him about the car, but he couldn’t go to have it blessed on Saturday. – Laci’s wedding was celebrated on Sat. afternoon. Ervin took me there by chance I got a seat in the first row with Gizi néni and his son ? Gizi came later. So I could see and hear everything very well indeed. It was a bit surprised as the sermon came first than they were asked if they wished to marry each other, prayers, the sermon, further prayers. It was all quite simple, but Gizi shed such tears as if the poor couple were being killed. The little bride was looking very young, frail and frightened. Laci as thin as ever. This reminds me I haven’t bought their wedding present so far must do so. It was all over in about 20 minutes so Martha who came late met them going out. By the way the chapel in the ? is rather nice. Young officers to be stood in a row. I suppose those who are taught by Laci. – Yesterday took part in the Sacred Heart Procession. We could hear the sermon very well but couldn’t see the beginning or the end of the Procession. I’m glad I went but I’m afraid again I just asked + asked for things. Still I have to keep on asking until I get what I wish.

This morning (15^th) a short answer came to my letter to Dr Laki (?) on Monday. As it was addressed to my Mother she opened it. The letter itself was written to me however. Just three lines giving the name of a Dr he can recommend. Seems to have been in the same Clinic. I’m glad he mentioned my going to visit him with the new car as everyone read it. So perhaps we’ll manage it. But how to do it to give the effect of it’s just being instead of some other purpose. Now brainwaves do appear. I was awfully glad to have his letter not only on account of getting a reliable Dr. And I’m awfully glad he just put his Christian name at the bottom. I gave my full name when writing. And anyway I’m shamelessly glad just to hear from him. Which is most illogical as I resolved not to take notice of any man in future. Well I’m not going to let myself be hurt I hope. Still can’t decide if it is just a passing feeling or am I really fond of him. As I remember I was getting rather attracted that is why wanted to stop official visits. It is true that I wanted to improve him quite on altruistic prouds, I mean there wasn’t a single egoistic thought when I suggested his taking part at the Men’s Midnight Adoration at the Catholic Congress. It was just his sounding so surprised and grateful which managed to disturb that peaceful tranquility of mine. Ans now I’m not sure if I wanted to make him become a good person quite unselfishly or for my own sake. I’m afraid I’ll get a shock one of these days. By all I know of him. Anyway I’m going to take flowers to poor little Michael this afternoon to make up for all this “falseness” of mine.

Nothing special yesterday or the day before. Have been at Magda’s for a fitting. Find the dresses quite alright. Yesterday morning went out with Cica. She wanted to buy a fur coat, to my greatest surprise. Second hand. We went to a funny place, a flat in the Hársfa u. (/8.) where a strange little man managed to sell us a black seal (?) coat for quite a low price. I don’t know though if there isn’t anything wrong with the fur. I tried to do a bit of taking (?) down the price. Resolved to buy a little fur collier should be have one later on and in case I had the money for it. We’ll see. Then we went to buy her a silk two piece. She meant to have a natural coloured one but in the place we went to nothing was suitable. After an hour of hard thinking she had a brain wave and we went to the Lipcsei place after all. They are awfully expensive I find. I mean to have a white coat for about the quarter of their price or at least the third. There she took the thune blue one she craved for after all. In spite of it’s price. Sorry to say they gave no percentage. Well well.

Last Saturday I went up to Mrs. Árva’s for a fitting, took some of my dresses on Thursday. The blue coat was ready and very well done. It is collarless now. Had to wait for her for quite a while, had a good chat with their guest from the country, jus preparing for some exams. She is quite a nice girl. – Yesterday took part in the Procession which filled nearly the whole morning. Got a bad headache. The afternoon turned bad, from point of view of weather at least. There was a gale and rain etc. I promised to go to see Marietta, so did in spite of the weather. Didn’t know what to get hold of my hat, bag, the umbrella or the flowers I took to little Michael. He is better, but older Hauer is very sad and thinks he’ll never be the same. A pity. I tried to console him. I’ve been wondering if I shouldn’t ask to see him, Michael I mean, instead of just sending him flower. Though perhaps it is better not to as I don’t know my mind. Now again that, other man fills it partly. Bother these males, I’m quite tired of myself on this account. I hope if I get married I’ll get rid of these problems. I’m sure I will, as a matter of fact because that settles the whole lot I should think. – To night I’ve been to a lecture, a French one. Met Répássy there he was nice, but I’m afraid I did most of the talking. Well now here is a man who means nothing except a good soul to whom I like talking and of whose company I’m fond of. Here is unselfish friendship at last, on my part at least. Not that I expect anything the reverse from him. So there is that phenomenon, it exists and I’m capable of it. A good point at last. – Mother isn’t feeling well again. Must have eaten something bad for her last night. Wrote this morning to Dr. L. for a good Dr in his place. Don’t like to disturb him so soon. But can’t be helped. Just now the parents resolved to have their holiday at once and now again this might prevent them.

Still didn’t get completely over shock of Tuesday. Was at early mass this morning as all there Mother Father Brother went off to Mr K. (?) in Pesterzsébet. In the afternoon went to Ms Árva’s with most of my dresses. Promised to be at Cica’s by 5 but it turned out to be nearly 7 by the time I actually was there. As I hear they think they’ll be appointed to Ungvár in the autumn. Really all my friend get scattered all over the country. – Weather lovely. I feel a little better. Leave everything to time. Heared some more about Dr.L. But what about a new Dr none?

The shock I meant to mention was this. Dr Laki (?) asked me if I know the latest at which I suggested the little *Maris* (?) then he told we must part. I had the sinking feeling that he was going to get married. What a mad idea to think of that at all an to be disappointed about it. I was ashamed of myself on that recant afterwards though at the time I was too muddled to notice it. But as it turned out he was appointed to be the head of a hospital in the northern part, Érsekújvár to be exact and was off on Friday. I quite lost my head though not so far as not to ask everything meant to and wanted to long ago. About Mother too. Fortunately I had money on me so could pay his fees. He was most awfully decent, asked nothing for the injections or the certificate he filled out. I was so desperate that I mentioned again his going to confession and Holy Communion. At which he answered he can promise to do both and turn over a new leaf altogether or something to that effect, if everything turned out as he planned. At the time I was so confused that I couldn’t point out to him that he mustn’t raise conditions an is wrong in taking things from that angle. I mean to tell him though yet later on when he is settled. Anyway I told him I thought he was not a bad sort as it was at such he answered he only slipped into the mood, or something of the sort. Told him one can climb out of that. But I’m convinced he is a good man at the bottom as a matter of fact knew that all the time that is why I did my best to turn him away from all that. If I would have had an idea that he would get out of reach like this I might have tried even harder. Now I must make up for all that by praying for the man. –

We parted by promising to visit him in about 6-8 weeks time when he’ll be finished with settling down. I wonder if he won’t forget all about me by then. –

All these events had such an upsetting effect on me that my whole night was spoilt. Could hardly sleep and had an awful feeling at the heart had a splitting headache too and thought I was near my death altogether. Couldn’t decide if all this was on account of late supper or somewhat belated awakening of love. In latter case I could heavily shake myself. My nerves must be in an awful state. After all I can’t be hurt on account of every man I happen to meet. Decided to wait and see. After all if this is the man meant for me Providence will throw us together again. But I must be sure this time and I won’t do anything rash, will have patience instead and leave all to God. Was at Marietta’s too yesterday evening.

This was a surprising day. Full of shocks. In the morning went to have our driving licences changed. A young policeman helped me with my things and in the and in the end wouldn’t accept the tip I meant to give him. I was nearly ashamed. But really one never knows with the people. So that was an unselfish act and a nice young man.

Went to the Bank afterwards had a talk about the Insurance of the car. I’ve been told that perhaps I could get Swiss money next week. By the way in the morning I had a letter from Geneva containing my certificate of registering for the Summer Course, and Mother + Father told me to go. As a matter of fact Mother told me if I go now she’ll go with Father in August. So to surprises for the morning. Didn’t know how to take it. –

In the afternoon when going to the Dr’s who ever comes to sit by in the bus, but my brother’s old flame. She looked less handsome than ever. How on earth could he have picked her up. Her Mother was with her. As I never notice people much I didn’t take any notice of them at first, just was that tow females sat down, but later I noticed that they were looking at me. Of course I took no notice further on either, hope I sat there with my most innocent expression. Phew but I felt hot when I got off. The next surprise or rather shock was my visit to the Dr’s. There were heaps of people again and I had to wait for ages but didn’t think I’d go away again without what I came for. So waited. A woman went away before her turn came and a gent. turned out to be just keeping another company and in the end the officer with whom I arrived at the same time let me go in first so I was very well of in the end. Really people were most kind and polite to me today. But now came the shock.

I’m afraid I couldn’t help showing a bit of my depressed state of mind. Don’t care about anything any longer. Hear that Michael is better and is supposed to go to Füred next month. Have been thinking of going there too, but no one would wash the suspicion off me that I didn’t  go on his account. In a way it would be true. Not that I care much but don’t think I would enjoy the place very much.

Same Sunday as usual. Church, cemetery, cinema. Against my will was driven into an awful row with poor Mother again. She really lacks all logic. It was she herself who advised me to go abroad as perhaps it will be impossible next year, and now she is as much against it as ever. Now that I registered for the course and everything. I got so depressed and I really lack any enthusiasm for the whole affair now. Resolved to give it all up and told them so too. Have the impression that I’m not at all needed at home as a matter of fact mane only trouble. Came to the conclusion that after all the best would be to get married. Awful, but true.