The cinema was an utter failure. Again I was the first to arrive + felt a fool. This will have to be ended, I’m letting myself go. The film was a failure too. It was very interesting and well acted, but on account of the topic itself there was not the necessary unity to be found, it was falling to pieces, a marc (march?) of episodes. Leo fidgeted in his seat most of the time I really would have liked to hold him to keep him quiet, a bit of glue would have done the trick too. I’m not quite sure if on purpose or by chance I got too close to him, quite like nestling close to a person and he looked on me with a, what I think faintly amused and surprised smile. It was like a very cold shower which I deserved in either case, but spoilt my temper. I felt thoroughly ashamed to have fallen, or have been sliding so low and hated myself for it. He had to take his little niece home afterwards which did nothing towards improving my temper, especially as he wished to dispose of me first + meant to take me home and rush back. I felt furious so by the time we were half way home I told him I meant to call at a friends house quite near the place we started from. I certainly hope this “feminine” logic infuriated him. Of course this isn’t quite a noble thing to do. But I really couldn’t go home in such a state. I felt I couldn’t face any friend either, so walked home in the end after he left me, utterly miserable. I think the best would be to end this affair at once as I can’t keep indifferent at all. It makes me thoroughly miserable undignified + dissatisfied with myself and everything. The trouble is, as long as there isn’t a good solid obstacle between us I can’t stop seeing him if he wants me to and if we meet it upsets me again. I daren’t make an end of it for after all if he could loved me for years even without my being aware of it perhaps he is the so called only one for me. Now I know that about Vincent too I was so happy only because he was the proof that in spite of everything there was a man whom I could like and who was so unlike Leo in every way. He might have broken the spell perhaps and again Leo came just in time to spoil everything. I believe I’ll get rid of all the men. I like to be alone, good company at least and doesn’t hurt. The trouble is I made half a promise to Miss U. (?) to join a party on the 12^th + would bring men. Of course this was before the cinema. I have an idea though that my company isn’t half as desired as my brother’s with the car so I won’t be missed. Such promises may be broken.

We went shopping with Martha, bought myself a new hat, but somehow the colour doesn’t suit me. – This morning I was quite upset as I had an appointment with Leo on the phone and he didn’t ring me up in time. I just put a cross beside his name in my calendar in various places to signify that now he is really + truly dead for me. I was quite mad about it and had the gravest misgiving that I was the greatest fool living, when he rang me up belated though. We met in the afternoon at the Western Station, again he was a few minutes late and I felt most undignified. We had a nice little walk, though there was nothing but quarrelling at the beginning. Later it subsided and I felt more attracted than ever. On account of a little incident he got hold of my arms, he seemed to like it and kept it most of the time afterwards. I’m afraid we were seen by the wife of one of his friends, better though than as if one of my friends would have met us. It might have happened though, by all I know. He sent me home in his car. It has no sense, but I’m more attracted than ever, I wonder if this child’s desease <disease> will last long. We planned to go to cinema together on Sunday.

(Nyugat Pu., 1938 k.; Kölcsey Ferenc Városi Kvtár, Dunakeszi, Petanovits-gyűjtemény, Piros album; dkvk.hu)

Had a face clearing at a b. Parlour this morning. It was quite interesting, but my face looks the worse for it. My hair even messes.

(Színházi Élet 1936/47)

What a day. I had three rows with two Jews, perfectly horrid ones too, but made it up with Leo with whom I spoke through the ‘phone before going out. According to it he is to ring me up on Friday at eight, what an unearthly hour. If he fails me this time he’ll stop existing for me in future. This time nothing will induce me to change my mind. I’m not at all glad about this turn somehow I have bed-forebodings. It would have been better to leave things as they were and refrain from making further advances. If true, we are to meet on Friday evening, I have an idea that it’ll mean catastrophe.

- Gym was alright + I brought home my perfect peach of a pair of shoes. New brown ones.

Met that nice blonde man this morning with whom we’re such friends and I never know who he is. – The cinema or rather the film “Éjfél után” was most amusing. The story itself is quite plain. A hysterical young lady get infatuated with the famous Shakespearean actor, who in turn is engaged to his most temperamental (+mean to get married very right) partner. The fiancé of first young lady connives to persuade Underwood the actor to meet Maria + disillusion her. U. does his best with the help of his valet without success, M. refuses to be disillusioned. After many complications most humorous ones too, Joyce the actress arrives only to find her fiancé + Maria in eachothers arms. She tells she is U’s wife but is willing to give him up. At last U. who finds he can’t stand M. and can’t live without J. who won’t hear of him, flies with help of his valet. In their hotel they find M. in U’s room + complicate matters her fiancé arrives, but not to take back M. but to leave her to U. as she loves him. M. hearing this rushes out + falls round his neck. Joyce arrives to find a persistent lover, they make it up and resolve again to get married at once. In middle of it they quarrel + make up again which seems to be their eternal programme. – It is very well acted. L. Howard is the best character actor his smallest movements are full of meaning. The valet was very good too in his comical part. The actresses too. – I went home on foot – a nice little walk.

After gymn. had a look round at the shop windows now that sales will be going on. Nothing special really. Met old Prof. Honthy on the bus homewards. He is bigger than ever + on my comment that I don’t want to marry he said I was always “strange”. Men simply can’t understand that persons can exist who don’t want them. I think I shocked him a bit as I gave a quite frivolous reasons for my abstinence. He must have parted with the unshakeable feeling that I’m worse than ever.

Martha came (?) + told us a most shameful thing about the “lady” who’s kindergarden the kids are attending. If a person has a little knowledge of children, such a thoroughly spoilt imagination + can show such a coarse + conda character it is a sin to let children into her hands. If I meet the Dworáks I must let them know about it tactfully it is possible, they are some sort of relations of her. The shameless person. I wouldn’t dream of letting my children near her. I must get to know her name.

(Photo: Pajkr Márta, Korpás Gyula; Korpás Gyuszkó, Korpás Ervin)

Changed those shoes for a pair of lower heels. Vince phoned this afternoon. – Went to the cinema saw “Mai lányok”, a light sort of play but amusing.